The v. secret diary of one S. Snape...
by Oddsock
Summary: We follow the life of SNapewape from his ikkle firstyness, to his insane crazed revenged obsessive self that we all know and love - well, sort of...
1. SS the early years

Disclaimer: We don't own them, you know it, we know it, JK Rowling and all her little minions know it, SO THIS DISCLAIMER COVERS THE ENTIRE FIC.  
AN: We follow the life of Severus Snape, from a likkle innocent firsty, to a mature insane crazy revenge obsessed adult. Also, since neither of the authors have any maths skills at all, the day numbers do not match anything, and holidays do not exist. Blame it on the government, and multi-tasking.  
  
  
  
Day one:  
Arrived at train station. Was laughed at by Potter. Made snide comments about the state of his hair. Was told I couldn't talk. Met some guy called Luciouious Malfoy. Luciousious promised to protect me if I gave him my broomstick and lunch money. Pointed out that we didn't have lunch money. Was retrieved from the roof of the train by janitor. Got to school and became a Slytherin. Was forced to make an effigy of McGonnagall in some initiation rite. Very tired. Must sleep.  
  
  
Day two:   
Utterly exhausted from running away from Luciosious and Potter all day long. Am wounded by the continuous comments about my hair. Got detention for talking about voodoo dolls in transfiguration. Stupid McGonnagall.  
  
  
Day three:   
More detention for attacking Potter. The fact that I was cruelly provoked was not taken into account. Hate Potter. Hate Luciousious. Hate Dumbledore. Hate world. No. Hate everything except Mr. Fluffywinkles, my only companion in my time of terrible need.  
  
  
Day four:   
Mr. Fluffywinkles head was ripped off and displayed in the great hall by Potter. Was sent to infirmary for severe depression by McGonnagol. Potter went down and offered to comfort me. Hate Potter. Threw book at him. He threw book at me. He has detention. My plan has begun...  
  
Day seven:   
Potter has declared war on me. I made a snide comment about a hairbrush to him, and he said something about shampoo. Luciousious and I are also at war, after he hung me upside down from the roof of the great hall by my big toes. Madame Pomfrey was able to sew them back on quite well.  
  
  
Day thirteen:   
Am back at infirmary again. When I got out last time, Black poured shampoo over my head. IT BURNS! Hair has grown back well. Have vowed never to wash hair. Will save fortune on shampoo and conditioner costs. AM secretly mocking all those who buy it.  
  
  
Day seventeen:   
Put green hair dye in Luciousious's shampoo, to teach him it's evils. He thought it was Potter, and Potter is now in infirmary, suffering from concussion. Thought that having an anvil dropped on his head would at least dent it, but he has harder head than I thought.  
  
Day twenty-four:   
Have found my one and only talent! I made a potion! Black's boiled over and burnt through the desk. Eheheh. But then he threw the desk at me, and I am in the infirmary again. Hate Potter and his minions.  
  
Day thirty:   
Have detention. Don't understand why. Potters eyeballs will grow back in a few weeks. Stupid McGonnagall. Blatant favouritism.  
  
  
Day thirty-six:  
Lily Evans is the most beautiful, graceful creature ever to bless the earth with her presence. I gave her a potion today. She poured it on top of my head. Am in infirmary, but have been touched by the girl of my dreams.  
  
  
Day forty-nine:  
Don't understand why Lily doesn't like me. Am I not handsome? Am I not charming? Do I not have a manly physique? Oh yes. Could not lift broomstick off ground in flying lessons. Was laughed at by Potter. Hate Potter...  
  
  
Day fifty:   
Found blackened roses on bed today. Look like the ones I sent Lily, only charred. Am in infirmary again, thanks to Potter's idea that having my quill continuously throw itself at my eyes and try to poke them out would be amusing. Hate Potter.  
  
Day seventy-eight:  
Have created Love shrine for Lily, and hate Shrine for Potter. Have put them on the same board though, because all my other belongings have been stolen or burnt by Luciousious. Because of this, some people have got confused and have been spreading rumours that I hate Lily and have a crush on Potter.  
  
  
Day eighty:   
Luciousious displayed my Mr. Fluffywinkle undies to the whole school this morning, so I put TARTAN dye in his shampoo.  
  
Day eighty-one:   
Results of tartan dye rather good. Luciousious refuses to show his face in public. However during his time inside he has got my board and stuck it up in the great hall. Potter is avoiding me. Excellent.  
  
Day eighty-two:  
Am being called strange names by people, and one seventh year said something about me being too young to know my sexuality, and how it was a stage I was going through. Am confused. Tried to follow Potter to play a prank on him, but he kept on running away. I kept on following him though.  
  
Day eighty-three:  
Dumbledore called me into his office to have a talk about stalking. Was very confused. Had to explain that I don't like Potter, but Dumbledore wasn't convinced. He gave me a copy of the muggle crime act.  
  
Day eighty-four:  
Lily keeps smiling at everything, and shouting that she's free from the stalking, flower-sending menace. Must find out who this menace is, so I can destroy him for interfering with my plans to marry Lily.  
  
Day one hundred and four:  
Have finally worked up the guts to ask Lily out. Got a strange muggle instrument to play music with called a Gy-tar, and tried to serenade her with it. Probably should have practiced a bit though, because she ran away screaming.  
  
  
Day one hundred and five:  
Black keeps following me around, and muttering about stalking a fellow Gryffindor. Have decided to generously give my copy of the muggle crime act to him, as I think he has serious problems. Attempted to ask Lily out again, but she threatened to castrate me if I ever came within a hundred feet of her again.  
  
  
Day one hundred and ten:   
Got spoken to by McGonnagall. She said I was to stop pestering Lily. Attempted to explain that I was not pestering her, merely following my natural instincts of love. She called me some names and gave me a detention for 'being a stupid git'. The injustice of it all.  
  
Day one hundred and twenty:  
Luciousious for some reason thinks that I made his hair tartan. He finally came to that conclusion today. Am in infirmary. Hate world, for now everything related to Mr. Fluffywinkles has been burnt as evil idols of Satan in the great hall.  
  
  
Day one hundred and twenty-two:   
Hate world. Didn't get any Christmas presents, and Lily repeatedly rejected my offers for an intimate supper by the lake. Went anyway, and Potter pushed me into the lake. Then I got lost in the Forbidden Forest, and was attacked by a chipmunk with wings and no sense of Christmas spirit. After several hours of the chipmunk mauling my face I eventually got back into the castle. Lily was under the mistletoe, so I ran up to her and asked for a kiss. She pushed me away. Just because my face was covered with blood and the chipmunk was clinging to my head with its talons. And then she called Potter over and kissed him in front of me. Hate world.  
  
Day one hundred and thirty-nine:  
Hate Potter. Am in infirmary again, because Potter thought it would be hilarious if he gave me a chicken's body and left me with only my head. No-one has been able to reverse the spell.  
  
  
Day one hundred and fifty:  
Hate Luciousious. He managed to get a picture of Lily and Potter kissing, and revealed it to me this morning. Want blood. I've already bitten the framed photo and broken the glass, extracted the picture and eaten it. That is why I am in the infirmary. It was developed in the liquid that makes photos move, so I have been told that for the next few days I will continually jerk around with and will be permanently smiling.  
  
  
Day one hundred and seventy-one:  
Lily and Potter are officially together. Hate world. Tried suicide, but the line on the astronomy tower was too long, as all the seventh years are convinced they will fail and should get it over with now.  
  
Day one hundred and seventy-two:  
Love world. Lily and Potter have broken up, both saying they didn't want to be tied down. Do not understand how a one-day relationship is being tied down, but when I asked Luciousious, he said I was a demented idiot. Asked him to speak English, and he laughed hysterically, before collapsing in a heap and being sent to the infirmary. Probably do not understand because I have never been in a relationship of any kind. Asked Lily to go out with me because I have had a horrible depressing childhood and want to know what it feels like to be loved, and she said something about a prostitute. Still don't understand.  
  
  
Day one hundred and ninety:  
Am in infirmary, after Black poured his forgetfulness potion down my robes. Naturally, he stuffed it up, and I am now covered in scales. When he came to gloat at me, I started to tell him exactly how to make a forgetfulness potion. He laughed at me. I laughed at him and told him how stupid he was for getting it wrong. He picked up the lamp and hit me with it. Have concussion.  
  
  
Day one hundred and ninety-seven:  
Suspect Luciousious of wanting to humiliate me again, and am guarding all my possessions closely, which means I have to carry them around with me, as Luciousious burnt my trunk.  
  
  
Day two hundred and eighty-nine:  
Have finally recovered diary from Luciousious. Found it in his underwear drawer, when raiding it for something to embarrass him with.  
  
Day three hundred and sixty-three: Someone has finally asked me about the strange hump I have on my back. I told them it was all my personal belongings, so they immediately tried to take them off and burn them. But they have melded onto my skin through days of not being removed. Am in infirmary waiting for surgery. But my stuff hasn't been burnt all this time, so I count this as a triumph.  
  
Day three hundred and sixty-four:  
Was not able to remove belongings, but someone set fire to them anyway. Am in infirmary for third degree burns. Lily came to visit. Even if it was only to look at me, laugh hysterically at my scarred face and the chipmunk skeleton attached to me, and be dragged away by Madame Pomfrey for disturbing a patient. She likes me. SHE LIKES ME! 


	2. SS the not so early years that are none...

Disclaimer: LALAAALALALAAAALALALALAAAAALLALALAAAAAAA....  
  
RETURN OF THE SNAPE....... THREE YEARS OF INSANESS AND DEPRAVITY, MASHED INTO ONE MASSIVE........ SMALL.... THING....  
  
Years 2, 3, and FOUR...  
  
Day before I go back to Hoggies.  
  
LALALLAA.. Happy! Happy! Mummy gave me a happy little hamster for my birthday! HAPPY. AND then I ated a mushroom. ATED. ATED... hehehehe MORE EATED MUSHYROOMMMM!!  
  
September 1st Saw Potter on train. Made snide comments about ratboy's weight. Potter told me to 'shove' it. I attempted to shove Pettigrew and he sat on me. Ran away. Luciousious called me funny names. I did not understand and said so. he laughed. I do not understand.  
  
Day 12 Saw Lily. She hasn't changed at all over holidays. When I approached her she threatened to get a friend to rip out my jugular... I said if she'd do it, I'd die happy. She slapped me and then said she consider it.....  
  
Day 15 Hate Potter. Turned me green all over, thus promoting plant jokes. Attacked him with a quill sharpener and he broke my arm. He has detention. HEHEHHEHEHE!! Madame Pomphrey is coming over with painkillers. PRETTY PURPLE...  
  
Day 20 Enraged Potter gang today. Angered Potter's clone (Sirius, but really has no separate identity) by screwing up date. was locked in Filch's torture chamber. Filch is on romantic holiday with cat, so am stuck in here indefinitely.  
  
Day 42 Someone finally heard my Morse code tappings. unfortunately the only letters I know are H T and A, so HAT, AT, TAT and THAT were the only words I could do. The response to TAT AT THAT HAT HAHAHAHAHA was a shout of SHUT UP and Potter and his gang coming down and throwing me a hat with tat written on it. They think they're just soooo smart...... I WILL HAVE REVENGE!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! oh no. Teachers shouting at peeves to stop tapping.  
  
43 Can it be true? Has no one noticed that I've been missing for TWENTY THREE DAYS? My only source of food is the mangled corpses that Filch has left, and a packet of peanuts. There are only four peanuts left....  
  
Day 344 Finished all the corpses today. Have grown fat and pale with atrophied limbs in darkness. Tomorrow will be forced to eat my only friend, Hamsty the Hamster.  
  
Day 345 Will eat hamster soon. Am marinating it currently. Have heard that Filch has returned. This is a sample of a teacher's conversation with him, though do not understand all of it as knowledge of English language has greatly deteriorated through lack of human contact. "Oh. You're back." "Yesssss precioussssssss...." "Riight. Anyway, James and clones are as annoying as ever and a student is locked in your torture chamber. You may free him if your would like. It was so amusing though. I shall leave now. No, I don't want to shake your hand.. eeew, like, slime!" "My prettiessssssss..."  
  
Hmmm. Interesting.  
  
Day 346 Am FREE! FREE! FREEEEEEEEEEE!!! Filch let me out, after making me promise not to reveal how many corpses I ate.  
  
  
  
Home, Day one I am home again. Mummy has put me on a strict diet. SHE CALLED ME OBESSE..... Obosse. Whatever. She has also forced me to have a tutor after saying that my speech was abominable. She then said I was a bad boy who didn't write any letters to his Mummy. I tried to explain to her that I had been locked in torture chamber for about 400 days. Don't understand why she didn't believe or understand me. All I said was "Me no school torture mangled corpses eat BRAINSSSS !!!" Then she demanded to know what I had learned during the year. Was unable to tell the names of my teachers, and she said she was 'displeased'. I is afrightened.  
  
School, September 1 My grasp of the English language is now perfect. O. Malfoy made fun of my weight. Corpse fat stays for a long time. In other news, Potter ran off crying to the infirmary because he touched me hair. The grease engulfed his limb and ate away at the flesh. Still don't know what the problem was. Hur hur hur. Now he can't play in quidditch. I would be happier if I was even on the Slytherin quidditch team, or even if I didn't have all my bones broken by a broom when I was four. As a result I hate everything to do with Quidditch. HAAATE.  
  
Day two Laughed at Black. Black poked me with a pitchfork. Asked what Black was doing with pitchfork, and Black said he was preparing to roast me over a fire. Said he was just waiting for Potter, who had the other pitchfork, and Lupin, with the forklift. Innocently asked why he needed a forklift. Black said I was fat. Cried. I'm not fat. I've just got puppy.... blubber.... like a whale! EVERYONE loves whales! Lily likes whales. Lily will like me. Maybe I should swim naked in the female Gryffindor bathroom, making soothing romantic whale noises. Yeah! That'll work!  
  
Day Three Lily failed to jump on my back and swim away with me. It is unfortunate that she screamed and the whole house came running. Was cursed a number of times. Am in infirmary, and McGonnagall has had a long talk to me about not being perverse. Tried to explain that I was merely attempting to seduce Lily as a whale. She eyed me strangely.  
  
Day four Mysterious book entitled 'BESTIALITY IS WRONG' turned up on my bedside in the night.  
  
Day five Potter came in and threatened to break several bones if I ever tuned up naked in the Gryffindor tower again. I don't understand why he punched me when I told him I wouldn't mind if he swam around naked in Luciousious's pool. Then he saw my book started laughing. He went out giggling about sending me small fluffy animals in the post. Then Luciousious came in intending to hurt me, saw my book, went pale and screamed 'WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?' He stalked out muttering about not knowing if house-elves counted. Very strange.  
  
Day seven Left infirmary. Went straight back in after Lily and large group of girls attacked me with mallets because I walked past the girls toilets.  
  
Day Eight Have left infirmary again by cover of night, with teacher guard. Have developed a reputation as a pervert. Was attacked by student body on sight and hid in the owlery. Found Lily's owl which I secreted in my pants after rubbing it all over my face and body. Entire Owlery attacked and flew me into the great hall, whereupon Lily's owl erupted from my pants and the collar which I had put on it (It said Lily, my darling, I love you,) fluttered off and landed on Black's head. I managed to scream out 'IT WAS A LOVE PRESENT' before I was attacked by a mob of Gryffindors screaming for my blood. The most bloodthirsty were the female animal right activists. Needless to say, am under intensive guard in the infirmary.  
  
Day Twelve As Lily and James are together again, so was able to escape infirmary. Now Luciousious is my BESTEST BEST friend. Sure, the friendship may be entirely based on the fact that he believes me to be as kinkay as he is, but I don't want to ruin his fun by enlightening him (am also unable to talk as tongue has been ripped out by female animal right activists and is regrowing in infirmary). Am now incredible incredibly thin as have been forced to run around the school at night with Luciousious following me with leather whips while telling me of his exploits..... I COOKED CRUMPETS IN THAT TOASTER!!! However, when I groaned in horror, he only laughed maniacally and chased me faster.  
  
Day Fifteen Was unable to bear the sight of Lily kissing James, and burst out with 'Lily, I love you! MARRY ME!' My tongue was still regrowing, so it came out as a hideous slobber noise. Even worse, Luciosious witnessed this and is now under the impression that watching other people kiss gets me turned on. The things he has made me view are destroying my sanity.... Filch... Mc... ARRRRGH...  
  
Day twenty-seven Wrote a love letter to Lily, begging her to elope with me. James and Sirius came and had a little talk with me, having seen the letter after Lily fled the great hall screaming and throwing up. Am now in infirmary, with Madame Pomphrey deflating my internal organs.  
  
Day 47 Have decided that Luciousious is a bad influence on me. Not only does he keep on mentioning things like 'I think we should go to the next level with our relationship' and that we should be 'more than friends', but, he did something much much worse. While trying to turn me on he ate HAMSTY!!!!! And when I tried to retrieve my beautiful rodent from his FILTHY THROAT OF SIN, he thought that I was trying to kiss him, so tried to kiss me back. Ran away with Luciousious slobber all over my arm and bright red lipstick all over my robes. I need some new friends. Okay, friend, singular.  
  
Day 100  
  
Still need new friend. Out of desperateness, have decided to become friend with Potter and Clones. Followed them after class, but found that all they really do is bang their heads against each other and talk about how hot Lily is. Am in infirmary as screamed out "SHE IS MINE!  
  
Day 165 Have new friend. It's name is FuzzyWuzzy and I love it.  
  
Day 172 Am in infirmary as I attempted do defend FuzzyWuzzy when Potter informed me that FuzzyWuzzy was just a small mouldy potato they found in Filch's office and threw at my head. Am shocked to learn that FuzzyWuzzy did not come to me in the manner of angels (from above, and a bit to the left), but in a cruel gesture from Potter. Have had many visitations from angels in the incarnations of random food and furniture. Potter confessed that he was responsible from all of them, apart from the double bed, which I now suspect was Luciousious. I crawled back to Luciousious and told him all my woes and the tragic saga of FuzzyWuzzy, but left again when he told me that I was 'like an angel that had come from hell scantily clad leather'. Am disturbed.  
  
Day 200 Attempted Suicide as cannot bear the fact that Lily and Potter have been dating for one hundred and eighty-eight days. Attempted one last time to get her to confess her love for me and offer to dump Potter, but she just punched me in the stomach. I went crawling off down the corridor and threw myself out a window. Lily was horrified and performed a freezing charm, only she neglected to bring me back in and have been hanging out here from three days. Am now an unofficial clothes rack for Potter.  
  
Day 212 Lily and James's anniversary. Would end life if could move.  
  
Day 222 Have fallen to the ground as the collective weight of all the school's clothes (they followed Potter's example) was about 2 tonnes and broke Lily's strong freezing Charm. After everybody collected the clothes, I wafted away like a leaf, not because I was in some kind of bizarre anime, but because the running away from Luciouscious and the flattening combined has reduced my weight to non existence.  
  
Day 259 Have attempted to murder Potter, but failed miserably because got the wrong bed and tried to strangle a random dorm-mate of Potter's who broke my arm. Potter then threw a cupboard at me and it broke my leg. Black threw a teapot and my face, and I now have fifteen stitches. Pettigrew sat on me and broke my collarbone, and Lupin hurt me with his absence because Potter said they'd finish the job later when Lupin was there. With a double serving of pain. It was mildly amusing when Peter screamed ' MOMMY' but when he belly flopped onto me, I stopped laughing. Am mending slowly in infirmary.  
  
Day 262 Potter and his clones finished the job as soon as I stepped out of the infirmary. I was repeatedly hexed and then they put me in a giant box and wrapped it in a red ribbon and presented it to Madame Pomphrey. She let me see the card. It said 'Dear Madame P, Have a slimy git. He seems to like the infirmary so much we decided to help him stay. Love, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.' Madame Pomphrey was laughing before she unwrapped me for some reason. And then she shrieked in horror when she saw my harrowing injuries. Her scream of 'oh holy Merlin, not you again!' obviously showed that she pitied my plight.  
  
As everyone knows Potter and Clones 'secret' names, which they shout at each other at breakfast, I knew that Madame Pomphrey would immediately call them up to the infirmary to apologise to me. I waited. And waited.  
  
Then cried myself to sleep.  
  
Day 279 Am finally out of infirmary. Avoiding Potter, Clones, Luciousoius and Lily. Only avoiding Lily because she is constantly around James.  
  
Day 286 Went to breakfast this morning. Immediately wished I hadn't, because I was forced to watch Potter and Lily fawning over each other. Went to infirmary and complained of nausea. Was given card to fill out.  
  
NAME IF NOT SEVERUS SNAPE: Severus Snape YEAR: Third ALIMENT IF NOT S. SNAPE AFTER CONFLICT WITH JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK, REMUS LUPIN, PETER PETTIGREW, LUCIOUSIOUS MALFOY, OR ANY FEMALE INCLUDING TEACHERS: Extreme nausea SUSPECTED REASON FOR ALIMENT: Being forced to watch soul mate fawn over arch enemy  
  
Madame Pomphrey just laughed and told me to get real. I am already real. Really in LOVE I told her. She had gone back into her office by then, through.  
  
Day 287 Have been pondering Madame Pomphrey's instruction to get real. If I am not currently real, then Lily can't be dating Potter! YES! I can ask her out!  
  
Day 288 Asked Lily out. She screamed "Can't you take a hint?" at me and ran off to find Potter. Potter and Black came by to have another little talk. Hopefully, will only be in infirmary for ten or so days.  
  
297 Have found the perfect way of escaping the terrible taunts of Potter! If I hide in the Forbidden Forest for long enough, hopefully they will forget about me. Then I can return handsome and manly from living off the land and sweep Lily off her feet!! I sooo clever. Will take no supplies as that will take away from my manly handsomeness.  
  
Day 302 Am back from forest. Have not eaten in five days and was nearly eaten by bloody great spider. Also, accidentally walked into the Whomping Willow while looking for water, and was beaten to a bloody pulp. Walked into hall and tried to sit next to James, to be his friend (I will worm my way into his confidences and then steal Lily) but he just called me pulpy and poked me with a carrot stick. Then I leapt over the table, trying to land in Lily's lap. Unfortunately, landed on her head. Out of shock grabbed her hair and then fainted. None could unclasp my fingers from her head while I was unconscious, and the fact that I awoke, then wouldn't let go anyway just enraged them. Am not in infirmary though. being in the infirmary, tucked up in nice, white, blood absorbing sheets would be a good thing compared to being on top of the Astronomy Tower instead, tied up with my own sinew, which is my current situation.  
  
Day 306 Livers pecked out by birds in manner of Prometheus.  
  
Day 307 Livers regrew. Thought I only had one liver, but no. Shall have to ask parents about that.  
  
Day 308. Home. Turns out one of my three livers was a kidney, and the other was my small intestine. Was taken back home when a bird trying to pick out my internal organs could not remove it from my body and carried me home. Very painful. Appendices just aren't designed to take that sort of stress.  
  
Day 356. Last day before return to Hogwarts: School of Pain and Horror.  
  
Day One Was taunted. Was poked. Was given marshmallow by random old lady at train station. And that was before I got on the train. Spent entire train ride thinking up witty insults. Am very clever and witty, as I thought of something I can call Potter, Black, Lupin and Peter. I shall call them Potty and his CLONIES!!! AHAHAHA. Am so wonderful. They will be very hurt I'm sure when they hear it. And Lily will run into my arms. New student was introduced into the year. She's called AryMay UeSay. She's perfect. But not as perfect as ME. She was attempting to flirt with Potter, but he called her rude names. One of which was a garden implement, so I don't quite understand it's significance. She's in Slytherin, and she spoke to me once, until Luciousious informed her of the owl incident.  
  
Day 7 Keep on getting owls from new student. Do not know why. The messages were very dirty. Must make up a witty name for HER then. I'll put her on my list, which only consists of Luciousious and Potter. We geniuses must work very slowly to get everything right.  
  
Day 8 I have it! She is.... AiryFairyMary!!! HAHAH! BOW TO MY WIT!!! So I have:  
  
Potty and his Clonies AiryFairyMAry Lucius (By cutting off the last IOUSIOUS I have turned him from proud with a weird name to shameded with a weird name)  
  
Will use all of these insults.. WHEN THEY LEAST EXPECT IT!!!!  
  
Day 14 Had fight with Potter. He called me 'Slimy Snape'. Then asked me to fight back. Fulfilling my promise, I insulted him when he least expected it, and called him 'Potty and his CLON-' and then Black knocked me unconscious with a cauldron. Don't know how they knew I was going to insult them though. They must have SECRET PSYCHIC POWERS. Like telepathy.  
  
Day 18 Am working on revealing Potter for the freak he is. Thought hard about my future wedding with Lily while standing near him, but he didn't erupt and try to strangle me (That's his normal reaction when I say I'm going to marry her and he hears). He just gave me a strange look and backed away. I wonder if the tinfoil hat was a bit conspicuous. I will buy a wig matching my hair and wear the hat under it.  
  
Day 19 Went to the 'ye olde hairpiece shoppe' and asked for a wig matching my own hair. The shopkeeper said that I could try 'yon convict withoute shampoo withe extra bloode' and that I could mix extra chicken grease into it. I accepted.  
  
Day 20 Wore my new wig and was repeatedly asked if I had washed my hair. Am puzzled. Tried to inform Lily of Potter's Freakishness, but my wig fell on her head. She blasphemed most loudly then attempted to commit a deadly sin. Unfortunately, not the one concerning cheating on your boyfriend. More violent, really. Then I ran away with a broken heart.  
  
Day 25 Finally got sick of Luciousious hitting on me so I said, "You SUX0RZZZ BEANZ0RZZZZZ LUCIUS" He was stunned. I walked away, satisfied, leaving him in silence. Then I heard a scream of 'HE GOT MY NAME RIGHT!! HE LOVES ME, HE REALLY DOES!!" It couldn't have been Luciouscious. Really it couldn't have been.  
  
Day 30 Am in infirmary with concussion. Woke up in the middle of the night to find someone clambering around on my bed and when I saw that it was Luciousious I jumped up and hit my head on the roof. I collapsed, and someone forced Luciousious to take me to the hospital wing, instead of doing terrible things to my unconscious body. He has visited me every night. He disturbs me. I think he is stalking me. GAAAH HELP ME ANYONE!!!  
  
Day 34 Visited me again. Repeatedly called him Lucius, hoping to insult him so much that he would go away but he only became happier and happier. Only left when Potter, Black, Lupin and Peter came in for my daily beatings. Begged Potter to do something to Luciousious. Potter asked why. I told him about the nighttime incident. Potter, Black, and Lupin cracked up, but Pettigrew went pale. When the others had left he stayed behind, and he hissed, 'stay away from my Lucius, slutboy.' Am confused. Surely he could not mean what I think he could mean. He must be talking about someone else, as everyone knows that Luciousious' name is Luciousious, and people only call him Lucius to insult him. Lots of people insult him though....  
  
Day 36 Mentioned Peter to Luciousious when he appeared last night. He merely said that he like me FAR more, and that Peter was ugly. Unfortunately, Peter was listening, and after Luciousious had left he jumped down from the rafters and tried to gauge out my eyeballs until Madame Pomphrey came in and told us that of we were going to kill each other, we should do it where everyone can see and gain the greatest amount of pleasure.  
  
...  
  
  
  
we know it ends in the middle of a chapter, but one half of our WONDERFUL WRITING TEAM OF WONDER had to go HOME, so the other half (me! AHAHA) decided to upload this. basically, we wrote lots and we cant be bothered to wait for like a week to write the rest (we go to different schools *sob*). heh heh heh. we hope we hurt your brains. BRAINSSSSSSSSS.  
  
oh yes, another reason besides our own laziness why this has taken such a long time to be updated is because i forgot the password to our fanfiction.net account (yes. you can laugh. BUT YOU WILL PAY!!) and i had to email author K (like x-files! or it would be if either of us ever watched it...) and find it out, and we may or may not have to get a new account. hur hur hur. we're silly 'uns, aint we?  
  
SHAMELESS PLUG: read one of our other fics, Lily: Queen of the Damned. its good, really. so what if we only have one review, adn that was a flame, and they called us ratboy. feel sorry for us. PLEASE? 


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